HELP!!! Between us we have six children, a son 21 years old, a daughter 18 years old, a daughter 14 years old, a son 13 years old , a daughter 13 years old, and a daughter 2 1/2 years old. We have been married two months.This call clearly conveys the complexity, the stress and the anxiety that can suddenly appear when a remarriage between two people with children from a previous relationship takes place. When a number of persons of varying ages and stages of development suddenly come together from a variety of previous family and household backgrounds, each one already has set ideas about how their lifestyles should be. The problem, of course, is that there is generally no agreement. Everyone brings different family traditions from their former family experiences.
In addition, family alliances form, with insiders and outsiders vying for positions based on parent-child relationships that preceded the new couple's relationship. For example, an only child may suddenly find herself sharing a bedroom with two new sisters. A biological parent may remain in the child's memory, if not in reality. The children may be members of two households, going back and forth, experiencing culture shock. The problem is increasing. As reported by the Tribunal, Diocese of Rockville Centre, New York, in 1988, the number of marriages annuled nationally was 65,262. No statistical data are kept as to the number of marriages that end with the death of a spouse. Following a divorce, it is estimated that 79% of the divorced men and 75% of the divorced women remarry. Sixty percent of these remarriages involve children (Glick, 1984; Glick and Lin, 1986). It is estimated that one child in five under the age of 18 is a stepchild and that by the year 2000 this type of family will actually outnumber all other kinds of American families. There may be close to 15 million children under the age of eighteen years living in stepfamilies. Although stepfamilies are similar to natural or intact families, they have important structural and functional differences that require attention. For example, not only does the stepfamiliy have the same growth and developmental problems that any other family has, but they have additional problems as well which are rooted in the remarried situation. As this new family form continues to become more prevalent, it is important to become aware of the traps and pitfalls unique to this type of family. In remarried families, only some family members have a common history. Lacking a common history in which to locate one's identity and one's experience with one's new spouse, it is no wonder that remarried relationships often feel arbitrary and false. People report that nothing feels quite right. Blending two families is an inherently disorganizing experience that involves a total transformation of the individuals' world. There is a lack of a common history and therefore a lack of a common culture. Generally, when people meet in adult life, they slowly accumulate a sense of each other's past history. Their increasing intimacy allows for a kind of empathic imagination that often includes a mental picture of someone's boyhood or girlhood etc. These mental images are essential to a couple's sense of context, both historical and current. This natural and intimate progression results in a family history that often does not occur in remarried families. Suddenly two families are thrown together and in many cases there is very little knowledge of the family member's history. In a sense all remarried families are faced with an impossible developmental challenge. They must accomplish the task of becoming a family. At the same time they must function like a family further along in the family life cycle. In other words, they must operate as if they had developed the complex inner structure of a family who has been together at least as long as the age of the oldest child; however, at the same time, they only actually possess the rudimentary structure of a family just starting out. They must function at two stages of the life cycle at once! This creates all sorts of problems. It means that the developmental needs of the family as a whole may be in conflict with the developmental needs of the individuals who comprise it. There is therefore no way for remarried families to avoid a period of profound disequilibrium. It takes time for spouses to develop their own history, to establish rules regarding sequences of contact and distance, sexuality, conflict expression and resolution, Similarly it takes time for spouses to organize themselves as parents of infants, toddlers etc. At the same time, it takes time for children to organize themselves as siblings and to establish hierarchies of control and nurturing that reflect birth order relationships. In a remarried family there is no time for such structures to develop. All at once a single woman becomes a mother of three or a child moves from being the younger of two to the eldest of four. Given this picture, the question becomes not why some remarried families become problematic but rather why and how they continue to succeed and grow! Research on the process of remarriage indicates that it takes about 2 years for the remarried family to stabilize, to develop a coherent sense of itself including internal rules, traditions, and subsystems and also developing viable rules regarding relations with noncustodial parents and with siblings living with former partners. Below are some of the common pitfalls of the remarried family and suggestions and guidelines for overcoming them.
Forming New Interpersonal Relationships In a nuclear family the couple has the opportunity to solidify their relationship before the children are added. This is not the case in a stepfamily, in which the new couple may be attempting to have a honeymoon in the middle of a crowd. Also, there are parent-child relationships of longer duration than the relationship of the new couple. Frequently, children are dropped on the doorstep of a remarried couple who have not planned to include them in their new household. Everyone may feel uneasy and trapped. The parent of the newcomers may feel guilty at the unhappiness displayed on all sides and may push for quick stepparent-stepchild relationships, increasing the tension. There may be guilt, anger and frustration often followed by rejection and a sense of alienation. This can be particularly devastating for the stepfamily unit if the dissension interferes with the marital pair.
Reference: Atwood, Joan D. (1990). 10 necessary steps to stepfamily integration. Marriage and Family Living. 20-25.
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